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My name is Jason and I'm a funny motherfucker.

blastortoise:

bank: your account is at -$5000….

me: |-5000|

me: :)

bank: sorry for wasting your time sir, you have a nice day.

deathpup:

what happens if u put a werewolf on the moon is a great question probably the best question ever asked

pybun:

#maligayangpasko

allthestarsonyourceiling:

Last night I went to Starbucks and when the guy finished my drink, he bent down and wispered, “Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle.” I just smiled and took my drink, and while I was leaving I heard the other worker saying: “WOULD YOU STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR INSPERATIONAL SHIT!” and the guy responded with, “Gurl, there is no way in hell I am letting you dull my sparkle.” 

Oh my god. 

dritim:

sluggys:

You wouldn’t download a goat. 

shut the fuck up i would absolutely download a goat

toecruise:

do you ever think about the money you don’t have and you just

image

sassykardashian:

sailingonsuccess:

sassykardashian:

Science side of tumblr how do I become a jellyfish

Jellyfish have no brains. You’re already pretty close.

Okay WOW

axedeodorant:

My mom told me my middle name was going to be ‘Stanley’ but then she realized that my initials would be ‘ASS’ so she changed my middle name to something generic and I was saved from ridicule but im pissed now bc there is a girl in my dorm who has the initials ‘ASS’. we could have been ASS buddies

burgerwizard:

Theorem: Puppiys are cool

Proof

image

onthesideoftheotters:

shotadreams:

mage-of-katnep:

rainbowsfireworks:

confusedtree:

ollivander:

lampghost:

[sleep-over voice] are you awake

[sleep-over reply voice] yeah

[regrettable sleepover invitee voice] you guys SHH

[confused sleep-over voice] what is the meaning of life

[annoyed sleep-over voice] dude shut up

[sleep-over host voice] you guys be quiet my moms gonna hear us

[unknown voice] you kids wanna buy some drugs

literaryghoul:

unless your teachers are abusive assholes there is no fucking reason to disrespect them

they are literally trying their hardest to get you an education

teachers have every right to complain about rude students or the amount of papers they have to grade because their salary is low as shit

oh wow, your math teacher yelled at you because you were ignoring the lesson and talking to your friend

i wonder why

jesus christ teachers have it hard enough dont be an asshole